I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
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me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I really had high hopes for this year though
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
incredible
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”