Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
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Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
I really had high hopes for this year though
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.