Yet the one time I did, I got banned
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My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
🤣🤣🤣
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will