What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
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Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Follow me for more life hacks.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.