(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
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Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
A classic…
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
they finally got him. they got macavity
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
sry
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Real House Wines.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
All is fair in drunk and war.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!