My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
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A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
why am I working on Labor Day
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.