are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
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My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
so i’m at the stock market right
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”