servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
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therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.