If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
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4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.