If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
You Might Also Like
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
This is amazing.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG