I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
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Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Stop it! 😂
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs