I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
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a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.