When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
You Might Also Like
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬