Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
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Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.