best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
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Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”