You Might Also Like
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Mistakes were made
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.