angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
You Might Also Like
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…