Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
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Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.