Cinematography is my passion
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I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.