Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
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Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can鈥檛 control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Eve: I鈥檓 hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
She is very cute, has great energy! 馃槀
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I鈥檓 in awe that I鈥檓 growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
I didn鈥檛 even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Only short people can save us
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.