*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
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Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion