parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
You Might Also Like
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*