I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
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I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
A roof is a house hat.
Saturday
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.