“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
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You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
giddy up Office Depot
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.