sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
You Might Also Like
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.