I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
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Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner