I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
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Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.