If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
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Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life