[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
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To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”