I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
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Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.