“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
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Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
my professor scared me for a second
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them