My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
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[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.