Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
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if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Pringles
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.