If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
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Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?