Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
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I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Good morning, Twitter 😊
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—