Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
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There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Looking at you, Jesus.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”