[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
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I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
I can’t stop watching this.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot