Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
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When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
work smarter, not harder
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I’d use my best pan on you.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????