DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
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Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
WHY would you be happy about this?
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?