Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
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Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
My inexpensive home security system…
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
twitter users today:
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.