(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
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Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.