never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
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“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
BRO LMFAO
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.