Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
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One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Well, this certainly took a turn
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?