I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge