God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
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Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.