P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
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me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
The smoothest fall of all time
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.