When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
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My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda