*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
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Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
We’ve all been there…
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not