INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
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*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
🖤✌🏽
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.