ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
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Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.